So this has been a really good week so far. I’ve been exercising regularly and eating well. It almost seems like a miracle not to be falling off track, obsessing about food, and feeling like I’m living for my next meal.
I’m cautiously optimistic about the next week and I’m making an effort to focus on one day at a time.
I’m trying not to feel my feelings all over the place about food and being healthy because it’s so difficult to feel like I’m continually failing.
Fingers crossed

So today was actually day 1 of wedding diet after procrastinating and lying to myself today is the day. I’ve eaten well, I walked for an hr and I feel really good at the end of it. I’m still not eating wheat but I’m also cutting out sugars again which I love and calorie counting because i do better when I hold myself accountable to something.
I am also starting our marriage counseling book tonight. My goal
Is to read with an open mind.

So I’ve been trying this “diet” that involves not eating wheat. The first couple days were quite the adjustment but 9 days later it’s great. I feel better I have more energy and I’m less bloated. Tonight I decided to try some crappy food and lots of wheat now here I am 3 hours later feeling blah and puffy and just generally lethargic.
Tomorrow is a new day lol as the saying goes and I’ll be back to happy wheat free me.
In happy news I have been binge free over a month now, partially because I’m working way too much and partially because I’ve found myself less obsessed about food.
Interesting, I’ll keep you posted

Those days when you’re driving and everything makes you angry…. And the that person cuts you off specifically to obtain a whole car length ahead of you. Suddenly the only thing you want to do is smash into that other person vehicle and run them off the road. I’m sure it’s normal. I had a good dose of road rage today

So the news reported today that over 50% of nurses suffer from
Symptoms of depression. Bring on the awkward silence in the break room.

Sometimes when I’m being lazy or running or just have uninterrupted me time I reflect on the last years of my life.
Things that make me happy or sad, that make me elated or defeated, or proud, or a failure.
Overall I feel good about the exterior aspects of my life such as my amazing fiancé who loves me, a good job, 2 adorable puppies, etc. as per normal it All seems to focus back on food such a small little thing that takes up literally hours of obsession a day. I set goals I continue to break, I try to make changes and continually fail, why do I do this to myself? I’ve thought through the love of self sabotage, issues with apathy, loving to hate myself and in the end I don’t think it’s any of those things. I think it’s the fear of continual failure. I do really well until I fail once and then I spiral into poor eating habits combined with beating myself up over letting myself fail again. So this week I’m really going to focus on developing a plan to help me create realistic goals that I can cope with when I fail as well as be willing to be willing to keep trying instead of wallowing in misery.
Hurrah for a new week

So I blog tonight to share good news. I have been binge free for more than a week now which is pretty much a record for me. I had one day that I started a binge but then I actually felt guilty and stopped both of which I think are huge steps. I’ve never actively been aware of feelings of guilt during a binge more immediately after and I dont believe I’ve ever been able to stop so those things are really exciting.
My friend and I are working on an exercise that basically try’s to make us focus on what were eating anytime we have a meal. This way we are conscientiously eating which makes it more difficult to binge. When I remeber to pay attention, I’m finding I’m fuller faster and less inclined to consume everything and just eat what I need.
I ate a lot this weekend with the engagement stuff and party etc but tomorrow I am back on track with healthy eating and exercise! I’m proud to write this post.

Much love

So with a heavy heart I write this. After a good week I had a really bad night. I was home alone, I had friend that was supposed to come over so I bought a ton of food cancelled and well it led to quite an episode. I felt very lonely and vulnerable. I have found exhaustion plays a huge role in my ability to fight the obsession and to say I’m tired doesn’t really do this week justice. Having a lot of factors against me isn’t an excuse for my actions just another realization that I need to maintain my focus on getting better.
I am trying really hard to stay positive despite this set back. This is the longest I’ve gone binge free in quite a while so that is something to be proud of.
My goal is to start fresh tomorrow. Eat healthy and focus on the positive things in my life. When I’m alone at night I’m really going to try to find something productive outside the home to do to lessen the temptations and just my availability to entertain the thoughts of eating until I can’t anymore.

So it’s been a good 3 days which is a big success. I know there is still a lot of road to cover but good days are always something to be excited about especially when there is more than 1 in a row.
I am feeling more in control of my life than I have in a long time. Things at work are beginning to settle down finally which is a huge relief.
Things with Devin have been amazing were really excited about wedding planning. It’s nice he wants to be involved and help make decisions.
I have so much work to do on myself
But I am really trying to take it one day at a time and focus on the positive aspects of my life and use that as stability.
Much love

After weeks of silence I just want to update you guys. I had a couple bad days… Approximately 10 of them. During those 10 days I realized that I have a harmful mindset of things I deserve like I don’t deserve to be happy or thin or healthy and it feels good in a sick way to self sabotage which is what disorder eating is, self sabotage. When I realized that I spent a few days thinking about what had led me to a point where I find the feeling of self loathing soothing and feel somehow it’s something I deserve. To be totally honest I don’t know why. But realizing it has enabled me to work on it. It’s a big step working towards happiness and healthiness. Everyday I am making a list of reasons why I do deserve to be happy and love myself. I am happy to report the first few days have been very successful and I am content. I don’t have the compulsion to binge and purge when I’m happy so maybe this is a good step towards recovery.